you are still God… i have a reason

i know i haven’t blogged in a long time. there are periods of time when i don’t fell like i have anything valid to say. nothing important for you to read… is there even anyone out there to read this? i have no words of value to say. i don’t want to be a self imoprtant person who puts is a meer mumble of words every few days. thats not me. but today i feel like i need to be out there. telling you people of the air what is  happening in me. it might be silly or pointless or to noone but myself … but here i am… not really sure why i am about to tell you all this. but trusting that God has a reason.

satan is on attack in my heart. he is out there to pull me down and hurt my heart.  serious in my face spiritual battle. i have been having internal struggles with who i am as a wife, a mom, a daughter of an earthly father and as a daughter of  the King.  Satan is so smart to feed me these lies. these sick lies and twists of truths. he does it in the day. in small whispers. and at night when i can’t sleep he is keeping me up with them.  he shouts out “you are worthless”  “he doesn’t really love you” “your not a good mom” “why are you not able to meet this need or that need” “you hypocrite” “you say you love jesus but look you failed here____.” “you didn’t finish college. what value do you have? you can’t do anything to support your family”these are just a few of the many lies that circle in my head right now.

marriage is hard. i know people tell you that its going to be but i didn’t really beleive it. being a wife is tough. i am to spur your husband towards jesus in a respectful submissive way. i am to be humble and peacemaker but bold  strong and have a voice.  

being a mom to two is hard. it is a 24 hour a day 7 days a week constant. there is no break. there is no selfish moment. my mind is constantly tryign to parent right. do the right activities and discipline in a stern but loving way and show them jesus. sometimes to be honest i can’t even breath. i konw that my life will shape and mold each of my children and i know how i react to it will to. its pressure

being a grown up daughter is tough. its so confusinge to me. i am i under your authority? no but do i need to obey? yes.  i still want to please my parents and siblings but feel like the balance is off.

proclaiming jesus and then seeing my sin is so frsutrating. how can i encourage girl A to have faith and trust jesus in this situation. when in my own life i am struggling to have faith in this other area of my life. i don’t want to be a hypocrite. i don’t want to be another one of those christians who don’t show jesus how he was intended to be shown. in all his goodness

i feel like i am failing miserably. my husband, my children, my boss, my parents.

i knowthe truths. i know them but i forget them. its easy to get consumed in these lies. sometimes i shut out the truth. i don’t know why… its like i don’t want to hear it. I know that God knit my family together perfectly. BD, me, E and B. I know that i am called to be a wife to this man to show him Jesus.  and that through it i will become more like him. i know that E and B love me and that i love them with all my heart. and i am not failing them.  i know that i am His daughter. and that he loves me inspite of all this. sometimes i forget. but i kow this to be true. that “in him i am a new creation. the old is gone and the new is here.”that  God loves me and is relentlessly persusing me. and i have confidince that he is living in me and that he is wageing war for my soul. 

so yeah… its been a crazy last few days. and i might listen to the lies when i shouldn’t but i know without a doubt my hope is in HIm and that He commands my destiny.  resting on that today. reminding myself of the truth of his word… that he will fight for me and that he will never fail!

 1 john 5:4 - for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

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